Eggshells and Miracle Grow

Putting the God in Godiva

2007-03-30T05:25:00.000-05:00

An artist in New York is soon to exhibit a 200 pound milk chocolate sculpture of Jesus in full on crucifixion pose, sans loin cloth (merciful heavens!). Naturally the censorious Catholic busybodies are up in arms about the sweet brown baby Jesus. (Okay, it's not a baby, but doesn't that phrase just roll?)

I think it's clever to make a larger than life candy sculpture of Jesus at Easter. It makes more sense than chocolate rabbits and eggs -- pagan fertility symbols. And don't Catholics ritually eat their God? Maybe they are offended by the guilty, pleasurable prospect of a sweet and tasty Jesus instead of a sanctified soda cracker. More people might go to mass if they got candy. Wait, bad idea, Catholic priests really shouldn't be passing out candy.

Sack Up, San Francisco

2007-03-28T12:37:00.000-05:00

San Francisco is soon to become the first US city to ban plastic shopping bags. You know, like the ones you get at the grocery store. This has been done in Africa to combat litter, and in Europe for environmental reasons. Somehow I don't see Americans altering their lives to account for carrying dozens of canvas tote bags to the proverbial Piggly Wiggly when they shop. No, Americans will just have the store bag their junk food in paper bags, which are many times as detrimental to the environment as plastic ones. The 450,000 gallons of oil per year SFO saves by banning plastic bags will be a mere fraction of the energy requirements for producing all the paper bags that people will switch back to. And notice how they use "gallons" rather than the proper unit, barrels. Sounds much more impressive than saying 10,714 barrels of oil. Just for referrence, the US produces 5,750,000 barrels or 241,500,000 gallons per day.

Now, I'm not opposed to carrying your canvas tote bag to the grocery store if you're feeling extra green and crunchy. Good for you. (And bravo on buying that hybrid Lexus that gets less MPG than a diesel VW!) But think about the amount of food the typical American grocery cart holds and how many bags it takes to sack it all up. Are you really going to go out and buy a dozen or more tote bags and remember to keep them in your SUV? No, being a lazy consumer you will just make the store use paper -- like all the old ladies do already. Old ladies know paper bags are better for emptying the litter box. Why do old ladies hate the environment?

The other burning question: Without plastic sacks, what will San Franciscans use to pick up dog shit?

But wait, they won't have to get a new bag!

The new rules would, however, allow recyclable plastic bags, which are not widely used today.

Ta-Da! This has been another episode of "Hollow, Pandering Gesture."

Tickle Me Jesus

2006-11-14T14:53:00.000-06:00

Toys for Tots has recently refused a donation of 4,000 talking Jesus dolls. What do you want to be that the company was trying to offload inventory that nobody wanted and take the charge to help their books? I wonder if the "Christian" capitalists at Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Company have their toys manufactured by slaves in China? Because ya know, that's what CEO Jesus would do.

But Does the Great Satan Wear Prada?

2006-07-10T00:18:00.000-05:00

This is the kind of farcical thing that you just can't make up. Hopefully Jon Stewart will pick up where the BBC left off and tell the world more about designer burqas.

It really would be the ultimate in logowear. After all, the wearer is just an advertising medium to be covered in trademarks.

Dante 2.0

2006-06-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

I think it's time that somebody revise the various circles of hell that Dante devised to include advances in offensive behavior and torture. My submission for consideration is very straightforward, there needs to be a movie theater in hell.

Who will be confined to this theater? Anybody who fails to turn off his phone. Anybody who takes his phone out and blinds people with the super nova glow of its display. Any parent who takes a child to a movie that starts after 10:00 PM. Anybody who utters one word after the previews are over that is not whispered directly into the ear of his companion, ie someone who thinks he's sitting at home on the couch instead of in public. Plastic candy wrapper rustlers, people who try to suck the last tiny drop of soda from their straw, and cows that chew with their mouths open will also be included.

What will their torture be? They will be confined to their seats while Howard the Duck plays on an endless loop. Evil demon critters with foot-long razor sharp claws will kick the backs of their seats and then slash through them lacerating their backs. Phones will ring constantly, babies will cry, and the lights will cut on and off randomly. They will endure one year for every offence.

That is all.

Squeaky Wheel

2006-06-18T10:36:00.000-05:00

Some of you have accused me of being a service Nazi when it comes to what I expect out of the service "industry" and I suppose that it's true to some extent. But really I feel like I have quite low expectations in that I desire merely competency. Sadly mere competency seems to be a rare and unexpected treat rather than the norm. Lately I've had a string of less than stellar experience and have forgone the usual silent suffering and mental blacklisting that has been my custom. In short, I've become a constructively complaining bitch.

It's actually working out pretty well, all I have to do is hunt down the feedback option on the company website and submit the pertinent facts about how I have been grievously wronged and very often someone gets back to me and wants to send me free stuff. I can be bribed.

Dept. of Homosexual Critters

2006-06-07T17:59:00.000-05:00

Great article on gay critters, straight critters, sexual selection and evolution.

Science Project

2006-06-06T18:47:00.000-05:00

What happens when you combine 500 Mentos with 200 liters of Diet Coke? See for yourself. It's sort of like Liberace with high fructose corn syrup. And while I don't think it would pass muster for XenopusLady's class, it's still pretty cool.

If You Don't Like Your Job...

2006-05-31T11:40:00.000-05:00

You need to find a gay guy to work for. So says this new research that indicates that gay men make fantastic bosses and have subordinates with significantly higher morale. So, if it sucks to be you, get out your Avenue Q CD and play "If You Were Gay" in your cubicle while clicking your heels together and repeating, "Please God, make my boss gay so he won't be such a shmuck."

SEXagenerians

2006-05-27T10:29:00.000-05:00

File under "Adult Living," see also "Active Seniors," "Hold Me, Touch Me," "Max Bialystock."

There's an epidemic of STDs at a retirement community in Florida.

A gynecologist at The Villages community near Orlando, Fla., said she treats more cases of herpes and the human papilloma virus in the retirement community than she did in the city of Miami.

Holy clap, Batman! That is bad.

Now everybody, call your grandparents and make sure they've got condoms on hand for their last thrills on the way to the cemetery. You don't want to find yourself answering the question, "How did it happen?" by saying, "She didn't tell her cardiologist she was on Valtrex and the medications reacted badly."

Arsenic and Old Lace

2006-05-24T00:39:00.000-05:00

Two old ladies and a couple of homeless stiffs in California.

Dept. of Homosexual Critters

2006-05-23T10:53:00.000-05:00

This time it's storks in The Netherlands.

Reception To Follow Featuring ABBA

2006-05-23T09:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I suppose if you must have schlock at your wedding.... Nicole Kidman will have Bette Midler sing at her wedding. It's not that it won't be tacky, just less tacky than what most people have. Maybe she'll sing The Rose too.

Dudley "I do" Right

2006-05-22T11:43:00.000-05:00

Awwwwww. Those are gonna be some sharp looking wedding pictures.

Too Darn Hot

2006-05-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

I saw the trailer for the upcoming Al Gore movie tonight. I know I could have probably seen it online but I'm just lazy that way. It'll make your panties wet. The man is seriously going to be a total rock star as this thing rolls out over the ENTIRE summer.

And not to get too far off topic but we all need to hurry and haul ourselves to Tanzania before all the snow disappears from Kilimanjaro. We have less than a decade, so let's get with it people. If Martha Stewart can drag her carcass up the trail so can you -- or we could take a helicopter. I open to options.

I Wonder if They Have a Totem Pole

2006-05-18T20:06:00.000-05:00

Bad headline writer! Bad! Back in the yard!

And if you're don't understand why it's funny, spare yourself the google-trauma and go on about your sheltered and chaste life.

What Not To Name Your Child Part II

2006-05-18T10:30:00.000-05:00

Heaven help us, Nevaeh? Oh. My. God. That is just horrible. Since the article is NYT and will inevitably disappear behind their stupid curtain of avarice, I shall quote extensively.

In 1999, there were only eight newborn American girls named Nevaeh. Last year, it was the 70th-most-popular name for baby girls, ahead of Sara, Vanessa and Amanda.

The spectacular rise of Nevaeh (commonly pronounced nah-VAY-uh) has little precedent, name experts say. They watched it break into the top 1,000 of girls' names in 2001 at No. 266, the third-highest debut ever. Four years later it cracked the top 100 with 4,457 newborn Nevaehs, having made the fastest climb among all names in more than a century, the entire period for which the Social Security Administration has such records.

Nevaeh is Heaven spelled backward.

The name has hit a cultural nerve with its religious overtones, creative twist and fashionable final "ah" sound. It has risen most quickly among blacks but is also popular with evangelical Christians, who have helped propel other religious names like Grace (ranked 14th) up the charts, experts say. By contrast, the name Heaven is ranked 245th.

The surge of Nevaeh can be traced to a single event: the appearance of a Christian rock star, Sonny Sandoval of P.O.D., on MTV in 2000 with his baby daughter, Nevaeh. "Heaven spelled backwards," he said.

Among the many inspired by Mr. Sandoval's appearance was Jade San Luis, who named his first daughter Nevaeh two years later. "It felt original," said Mr. San Luis, 26, of Cerritos, Calif. "Now, not anymore."

Yeah, not anymore you twit. And people give poor Gwenyth Paltrow crap for naming her kid Apple. At least she picked a real word. And really, when your name is Gwenyth you know what life is like with an uncommon name. Hey, her mother's name is Blythe (and she's FAB-U-LOUS) so maybe they're just one of those families. Maybe little Apple will break the tragic cycle of intergenerational nominative revenge.

Making up a cutesy name or "unique" (read illiterate) spelling, eg Mekayla, is mental child abuse of the worst kind -- and largely misogynistic. Why not just name the kid Anagram or Palindrome -- or make the poor kid's name one if you're really hell bent on being weird about it. Why don't people ever use names like these anymore? It's hard to imagine finding another Polyhymnia or Euterpe at the Montessori school if unique is what you're going for. And I'm sure You-twerpy would eventually forgive her parents for the taunting she endured at recess and thank them for not naming her something utterly ridiculous -- like Sara.

God Forbid You Get It OTC

2006-05-18T10:11:00.000-05:00

What a lazy piece of shit article this is. The only useful information it imparts (indirectly at that) is that the battle to pharmaceuticalize vitamins is alive and well. FDA is a captive agency that is a pathetic joke and which can't be trusted to provide accurate scientific data to consumers. If I'm concerned about taking too much of a vitamin I'll check in with the EU regulators or the Canadians thank you very much.

The Great Subway in the Sky

2006-05-18T10:06:00.000-05:00

Oh, please, please, please let this happen.

"I'm so glad I'm a Beta"

2006-05-15T17:22:00.000-05:00

This needs to be illegal.

What Not To Name Your Child

2006-05-13T11:01:00.000-05:00

The annual list of most common names is out:

The top 10 for girls in 2005: Emily, Emma, Madison, Abigail, Olivia, Isabella, Hannah, Samantha, Ava and Ashley.

For boys: Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Matthew, Ethan, Andrew, Daniel, Anthony, Christopher and Joseph.

I know a couple of fairly recent Ethans, it's not a bad name but it always makes me think of furniture. The boys tend to be safer bets than the girls. Madison is, like, so totally overused and has been since about 1990. I rather like Isabella and Ava. I'm surprised that such an old fashioned name as Abigail is common now. Can Ethel and Edith make a comeback?

And what do these names really say?

Emily: I'm nobody, who are you?
Emma: My mother reads period romances
Madison: Pretentious yet midwestern
Abigail: Parents want Abbey but feel compelled to have a formal backup
Olivia: Parents captivated by fictional pig or Greese soundtrack
Isabella: Ethnic aspiring to moneyed class
Hannah: WWJD? Related to many, many Rachels
Samantha: see Abigail, less classy
Ava: Vicarious dreams of Hollywood
Ashley: Daughter of Tiffany, Heather, or Jennifer (if daughter of Tiffani, may be spelled Ashlee, etc.)

Jacob: Jake, see Abigail
Michael: Vanilla is the desired flavor
Joshua: Josh, see Abigail, WWJD? overtones
Matthew: Attends church twice yearly
Ethan: First use of name in family, parents desperate for something "fresh" but safe
Andrew: Middle class WASP
Daniel: Blue collar
Anthony: see Isabella
Christopher: see Andrew
Joseph: Jose, who are you kidding?

I still say it's much more fun to name a dog. So many more socially acceptable choices.

Turn Left at Next Election

2006-05-12T21:01:00.000-05:00

Bumper sticker seen affixed to a gas pump today:

Of course it hurts, you're being screwed by an elephant

Now, kids, vandalism's not funny -- except when it is.

The Bad Parent Channel

2006-05-11T18:06:00.000-05:00

BabyFirst TV -- $9.99 a month for unlimited babysitting. Illiteracy and ADHD included at no additional charge.

Rechter said BabyFirstTV is not claiming that its programs designed for viewers from 6 months to 3 years old will make babies smarter. "But having babies and parents interact helps children's development, and we give them that opportunity," she said.

Because you know, sitting down to read a book with the child is just too much trouble.

Sober Monkeys

2006-05-11T17:28:00.000-05:00

Well, presumably sober. A new genus -- not just species -- of monkey has been described after its discovery last year. (Remember boys and girls, things are undiscovered until an English-speaking white person encounters them.) They have mohawks. Punk monkeys, how cool is that?

But Do They See Pink Elephants?

2006-05-11T14:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, how do you get assigned to work in this lab? You know that's what every lab monkey must wonder, will it be the basement lab working on HIV or the lab where the experiments consist mainly of DRUNK MONKEYS! I'll say it again, DRUNK MONKEYS! Nevermind the question of whether this is the best use for such scientific resources, did anyone expect DRUNK MONKEYS to be any different from drunk homo sapiens? Is this for some new science parody show on Comedy Central?

Who sits around the lab thinking, "Gee, I really need a unique topic so I can get published. I know, nobody's really looked into the problem of DRUNK MONKEYS before! My grant funding is secure!"

It's like something out of a Clint Eastwood comedy. I wonder if they videotaped the experiments. What about alcohol consumption of monkeys in the wild versus those in the lab? This groundbreaking research on DRUNK MONKEYS could go on for years and lead to (I'm sure) unimaginable benefits for both monkeys and humans.

I think the worst part is that they were feeding the poor monkeys vile hooch laced with artificial sweetener -- not even a proper cocktail for their noble service to mankind. That is just inhumane treatment.

We're Going On A Bear Hunt

2006-05-11T13:29:00.000-05:00

A half-grizzly, half-polar bear has been discovered in Canada's Northwest Territory. Such interspecies breeding is causing distress among those who are worried about polar bear survival. I don't see why it's such a problem if the polar bear becomes extinct because it's environment changed and it bred with another bear to survive and adapt. I mean, that is how evolution works.

And can you believe $50,000 a head to shoot bear? That's lion money and they're much more endangered!

Location, Location, Location

2006-05-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

A tribe of primitive people have wandered out of the Colombian jungle, having decided that it's time for a little reverse Green Acres. Somebody get a documentary crew and a reality show producer down there now, please.

Having previously existed as hunter-gatherers, the tribe has been taking a turn at being welfare queens but what they really want is their own little plantation. I wonder how long it takes them from the time they learn how to practice agriculture to discover that coca is a lot more profitable than plantains. They'll have to flesh out their concept of money first though. A future tense wouldn't hurt either.

Groundhog Day

2006-05-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

Our long national nightmare might never be over if this happened. Actually, I think Jeb would be the Republican equivalent of a Hillary Clinton candidacy -- unmitigated disaster. Now, if they ran against each other that would present some people with the very hard choice of deciding who they hate more. That kind of choice could suppress voting better than Katherine Harris and Diebold put together.

Alas, being the smart one, I doubt Jeb runs. Why would he want to take the fall for George's bankrupting the nation? Besides, his wife's a Mexican and he'd lose the all important bigot vote.

Papa Smurf! Papa Smurf!

2006-05-09T14:32:00.000-05:00

How to get good service at Best Buy

40 Year Old Virgins

2006-05-07T12:59:00.000-05:00

This week The New York Times Magazine has a great article on the anti-sex movement that has flourished in recent years. These people are just frightening in their ignorance and primitivism. Granted, if they actually practice what they preach it's easy to see how they could be so warped and unhealthy. Oh brave new world that has such creatures in it!

Seriously, can you imagine how desperately in need of therapy someone would be if they went through life thinking that having sex in any context other than the intent to conceive was evil and wrong? Think about it. If you get married at the average age nowadays that means you exist for at least a decade in celibacy from your teens to late twenties. Then you must get married in order to have sex at all. Even then it's wrong to have sex unless you explicitly want a child to result from it. So in order to get married you must be able to immediately afford a child as well (watch that push back the age of first marriage further into the realm of unfertile years). Then if you should happen to conceive on the first egg down the tube you don't get to have sex again until you are ready to produce another child. When you reach the point where you can't afford or don't want more children you're done having sex for the rest of your life. So, if you want the typical two children you could be lucky enough to only have to endure the mortifying act of sex a half dozen times or less in your entire life. And ix-nay on the asterbation-may. That's evil too. How fucked up are these people? Do they have sex through a sheet with a hole in it? Why are people afraid of sex?

And then there's the whole abortion angle. The NYT Magazine did another big story a few weeks ago on how horrifying the situation is in El Salvador since they made all abortion illegal. Ectopic pregnancy? Too bad, you die, but the Roman Taliban, I mean, the Catholic priest will be there to give you last rites so that makes it all better. How Christian to kill a woman through the denial of medical care.

The other thing about the people who regard abortion as the equivalent of murder is that they really take a half-assed and inconsistent approach to the way they want to penalize it. Take South Dakota's new unconstitutional ban on virtually all abortions. It makes it a felony for a doctor to perform an abortion but the woman who seeks the doctor's services is totally ignored. Now let's think about this. If a woman pays someone to murder her 8 year old who's walking home from school she could be charged with murder alongside the hit man and in a state like SD get the death penalty, ie be murdered by the state for her crime. What happens if the same woman goes to a doctor and pays for an abortion? Under the SD law Big Fat Nothing. The doctor, like the hit man goes to jail. Shouldn't a woman who gets an abortion be put in prison if she's "killing" a person? Seems consistent to me. What's she doing having sex if she doesn't intend to produce a child anyway? Brazen hussey! Jezebel! Whore!

I am reminded of Glen Close's character in Dangerous Liaisons, "My dear, provided you take a few elementary precautions you can do that as often as you like, with as many different men as you like, in as many different ways as you like." Sound advice for the 18th century and sound advice for the 21st.

Drugs (Companies) Are Evil

2006-05-07T07:04:00.000-05:00

This just gives a whole new dimension to all those stories we see about how Nigeria is such a problem when it comes to polio vaccinations. You can hardly blame ignorant, backwards people for refusing vaccinations when it turns out that Pfizer has been conducting illegal drug tests on them.

Duff Man

2006-05-05T18:47:00.000-05:00

Most people have seen those things for cyclists and hikers called camel backs, they're basically a canteen in a backpack. Well, some enterprising soul has been inspired to create The Beerbelly. Same concept, you just wear it backwards and under your shirt. My question is how many people who have the spare capacity to wear this contraption would be interested in it? Homer would just look like he had a tumor.

Rationalizations

2006-05-04T07:47:00.000-05:00

Some salary website did a study to come up with what being a stay at home mom should be worth: $134,121. Not bad, but if you could afford to pay that much in domestic payroll you could hire a live in nanny, a full time housekeeper, a personal chef, and still have money leftover. I take issue with their methodology -- especially when they come up with a figure several times the median household income in the US. "Studies" like this are good for two things, getting media attention and making highly educated, qualified, credentialed women who've chosen not to work feel better about themselves by giving them a fantastical salary equivalence number. It's for people who desperately need to tell themselves that their "rightful" place in the world is making a lot of money and even though they've forgone the supposed big bucks in the commercial world they would be very high earners (read respected and admired) if they had chosen that way. The thing is, if you make $200,000 a year you can afford full time domestic help to wipe your kid's ass. In fact, it would probably be more cost effective than doing it yourself.

I think a better way of determining what being a stay at home parent is worth is the calculation that many couples make when contemplating such a situation. If you end up working only to pay for daycare, housekeeping, commuting costs, etc. you might as well stay home. OTOH if you would have enough left over to notice after paying for all the outsourced tasks then you might as well work.

Smart people who want to raise their own children and clean their own toilets are great, but it's downright silly to think that the job is worth so much money that only a small percentage of households could afford to have children if they had to meet such a payroll. Nor should someone who makes a great deal of money feel bad for engaging in domestic outsourcing and paying people to cook, clean, and change diapers. It's probably a better way of deploying human resources anyway. A job obsessed parent isn't going to be as good at raising a child as an experienced nanny. What's so wrong with having hired help around the house?

There's Nothing Quite Like a Shorn Scrotum

2006-05-02T14:08:00.000-05:00

This must be randy Tuesday because I just saw a link to this interesting product and couldn't help laughing at the little video intro. Where did they find this guy? It's like, "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as The Electric Gigolo and Makeout King of Montana. 'Today on I Can't Believe They Invented it!'..."

While manscaping is a good thing, I have a hard time believing that we really need a Duck and Cover style instructional film on how to go about it. It's funny and all, but if you can't figure out how to do it... well, let's just say it probably won't matter. Besides, it's much easier to just outsource such tasks -- who wants to try to shave their own ass? Waxing is preferable for most areas anyway. Not that I would know. Nope, not at all. I am a furry mammal who would freeze to death without all my hair. I would. But I do appreciate those whose bodies are not so susceptible to the cold. They tend to envy my extra insulation so it works out nicely. We always want what we don't have.

iGasm: Available in "Barry" White

2006-05-02T12:03:00.000-05:00

In my never ending quest to bring you the most exceptional accessories for your iPods, I give you the iBuzz. (Also here.) I guess it really was only a matter of time before somebody figured out a way to turn an iPod into a sex toy. Still, this first version leaves room for improvement. I mean, sure it comes with a choice of vibrating cockring or insertable bead but what about users who are interested in having simultaneous penile/anal or vaginal/anal stimulation? What about a splitter that would allow a couple to be simultaneously stimulated by the same playlist? Imagine the relationship turmoil that could result from musical incompatibility. I can see the lawsuit for loss of consortium already. Nevertheless, I don't think you can come this far and leave it with just the base model. Always wait for Rev B -- maybe it will be available for Christmas. And don't even get me started on the possibilities that this will open up for downloadable porn on the video iPod. OMG! Wow. Really, it's a long way from marble dildos in Pompeii.

Now the iBoxer makes much more sense. BTW I wandered into Dillard's the other day and was met with a huge display for the iBoxer. I was like, that's so six months ago. Whatever.

Will you ever think of those dancing people in the iPod ads the same way again? Actually, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at anybody who is obviously into what they're listening to on their iPod the same way.

NB I do not own an iPod.

Let The Heathens Spill Theirs

2006-04-28T07:25:00.000-05:00

Temporary sperm suppression appears to be promising. Why anybody would want it is another matter. Can you say increased cancer risk from fucked up hormone levels? I knew you could. Really, I would like to know who would actually want this? A lot of women who've taken massive injections or implant forms of birth control end up having horrible experiences.

Because a Pill Just Wouldn't Make Sense

2006-04-22T15:34:00.000-05:00

Hot flash? Have a beer.

Penny Pinch

2006-04-22T07:46:00.000-05:00

Lovely. It costs more than a penny to make a penny. Maybe the mint will find short term relief when people start hauling their jars full of pennies to the bank so they can get gas money.

McTaliban

2006-04-15T07:44:00.000-05:00

I'm lovin' it. Why is it that British newspapers can do cool stuff like give away DVDs of Supersize Me? I'd buy an actual newspaper for that. The special features include a great "science project" involving placing normal food and McDonald's food in glass containers and watching how it decomposes. Their fries exhibited no decay whatsoever over the course of three months. The intern accidentally threw them out at that point so nobody knows exactly how long they might "keep."

All I know is that the pommes-frites sauce they give you in France is the best packet o' fat you will ever squeeze on a potato. I'm sure they don't make it available here out of concern that people would die in their cars before they could exit the drive through lane. Having customers slumped over the wheel with an artery full of goo would really put the breaks on their through-put. Actually I could also see it becoming dangerous like something out of The Simpson's tomacco episode -- it's that good.

Happy Birthday To Me

2006-04-13T06:44:00.000-05:00

Where's my party?

Economies of Scale

2006-04-11T06:10:00.000-05:00

Check this out. A new Gallup poll shows that 57% of Americans say they will seriously consider a hybrid for their next car! I hope they don't mind driving Hondas because Toyota still has a waiting list. Maybe this will lead to those pesky price premiums coming down so that hybrids are actually cost effective. Just imagine what gas will cost once the man in the yellow hat nukes Iran.

Dept. of Homosexual Critters

2006-04-07T17:53:00.000-05:00

This time it's ducks in Sweden.

Drama Queen

2006-04-06T07:10:00.000-05:00

A billion dollars in royalties (no shit) and the bitch can't keep an extra note pad on hand? No sympathy for the luddite. Just watch, crazy fans will start mailing her paper! She'll rue the day she decided to bellyache to the press about this. I suppose we should be grateful that she doesn't insist on writing on parchment with a quill. Waiting for the sheep skins to cure could really put a damper on progress.

Pussy Galore or Homage to Georgia O'Keeffe?

2006-04-06T07:06:00.000-05:00

Vaginas in Nature... It's kind of like "Where's Waldo?" with genitals.

If there's a corresponding penis blog, do let me know.

Hell a Nippy 33 Degrees Today

2006-04-05T15:22:00.000-05:00

Well, it's not like people weren't hacking their "McBooks" to do this already, but still, it just makes you a little queasy. Why would you want to go and soil a beautiful Mac with something so unwholesome.

Cater Waiters, Take the Floor!

2006-04-05T14:51:00.000-05:00

Gay cowboys figure skating. Will it never end? I think they should be doing this routine to "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No" from Oklahoma instead of Elvis, but that's just me.

In other gay cowboy news, the special features on the Brokeback Mountain DVD are somewhat disappointing. The most interesting part is the interview with Diana Ossana and Larry McMurtry since he's somewhat of a curmudgeon. Ang Lee doesn't really say much... I'd like to see him interviewed on his body of work by somebody who could really get him to talk. The best part is the interview with Jakey-pooh in which he's like, all valley girl. Totally.

Laura Just Ordered Another Margarita

2006-04-02T23:45:00.000-05:00

From the Dept. of Ew, Nasty: Smoochie-smoochie, Canadian Hootchie.

NB That link is totally safe for work but also totally not safe if you have anything in your stomach. And remember, it's not the act we object to, it's the people... or something like that.

Death Before Suburbia

2006-03-31T18:50:00.000-06:00

Remember that coyote that was captured in Central Park last week? The poor thing died while being tagged for release in the wild. I can't believe they actually used a helicopter while chasing this animal. Jeepus, people, it's not a tiger.

Can Dame Dusty Springfield Be Far Behind?

2006-03-29T17:20:00.000-06:00

Sir Tom Jones

There Goes the Neighborhood

2006-03-28T20:41:00.000-06:00

About a month ago I wrote about bizarre street names. Tonight I happened upon one that would surely come out on top in any contest. Read the history of Gropecunt Lane and tell me it's not a shame that these streets have been sanitized. Imagine the wayward tourist getting directions, "go past the church and turn left on Gropecunt Lane, follow that to Maidenhead Court...." Actually, I could see "maidenhead" being used as a suburban residential street name. It sounds bland to the modern ear and I doubt many would remember encountering it in Romeo and Juliet. I suppose it should rightly terminate with an intersection at Benvolio Place.

The English language is such a thing of beauty.

Death Becomes Her

2006-03-25T07:31:00.000-06:00

Now this is a blog with potential to really take off, it's called You Died. Write your own obituary, fantasy or reality. I'm a fan of the outrageous. How does the phrase "freak snark hunting accident" sound? Actually this could be really fun to try with characters from books or movies or TV. It's an interesting form of writing to contemplate.

Every Rose Has A Thorn

2006-03-24T16:01:00.000-06:00

Randy Quaid needs to STFU and be happy he was in the most awarded movie of all time. If he's not happy with the deal he made he should get himself a better agent.

Just Teach "Descent With Modification" Instead

2006-03-24T15:18:00.000-06:00

Here's a lengthy but good article from the Arkansas Times about how unfortunate science educators in that state are cowed into incompetence. Every time I read an article like this two things come to mind. First, is there any place in this country where people are sane and this isn't a problem? Please let me know, I'll bet it's a veritable Lake Wobegone where all the children get into medical school. The second thing I remember is how my freshman AP Biology class in Midland, Texas had to manage. Our teacher was an extremely qualified woman who had left her Ph.D in zoology unfinished to follow her husband's big money job in the oil business. (We had a lot of teachers like that in the AP track, come to think of it.) Anyway, her speech one day early in the semester went something like this:

This week we will be doing several in class exercises pertaining to chapter D which you should have read last week. Next week we will start chapter F. You may have noticed that chapter E covers evolution. Since the school board does not allow us to teach chapter E, I can't assign it to you. However, you should know that it may be very difficult for you to do well on anything in the book after chapter F without knowledge of the material in chapter E. If you choose to read chapter E on your own and have questions I am free to discuss it with you.

There will be no homework this week.

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. So that week we did a few labs that took all of ten minutes a period and then read the chapter on evolution while sitting around in class waiting for the bell. At that time there were about 70 of us spread across three sections. The only problem I recall the students having was the fact that we resented having to self-educate about something that was so clearly and fundamentally important. It was presumed that the smart kids had to suffer this indignity because the regular classes couldn't be trusted not to be full of trouble making zealots and the safe bet was to censor the chapter wholesale.

In every subsequent class where evolution popped up all the way through college, I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and indignant that teachers and professors felt compelled to apologize before beginning such straightforward material. Evolution is as plain as day and people who refuse to see that should be given no quarter. Is it any wonder that so much advanced biology is now coming from Asia and the UK?

"It's Really Working Very Well For Them"

2006-03-23T13:43:00.000-06:00

Uh-oh. The Houston Chronicle gets sassy with Big Momma.

Apparently Barbara Bush's tax deductible charitable contribution to a Katrina fund was earmarked to buy educational software from a company owned by her son Neal. You may remember than Neal Bush is the one who should have gone to prison over the great savings and loan scandal of the late 80s. He's also the one whose wife divorced him and spilled a lot of dirty laundry in the press a few years ago. Now, I know that the parents of baby boomers have to come up with creative ways of funneling their wealth to their children to avoid taxes, but this is just tacky beyond the pale. The Chronicle better watch out, they know Big Momma has no scruples.

Jenna Had Better Watch Out

2006-03-23T11:36:00.000-06:00

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage commission is now going into bars to arrest people for being drunk. They have a pretty weak rationale.

We feel that the only way we're going to get at the drunk driving problem and the problem of people hurting each other while drunk is by crackdowns like this.

Uh, are you sure it's not because you're just too damn lazy to do anything that would really be effective? North Carolina has a great way of dealing with the problem of DWI. If you get arrested for DWI you automatically lose your license for at least six months, you have to pay a minimum fine of $9,500 for the first offence, and you are subject to a state mandated surcharge on your auto insurance of 400% for 3 years. In North Carolina it really can ruin your life. In Texas a DWI is treated like any other moving violation and is really no more costly than speeding. True, there is a social stigma and you may have to do some community service, but it's no big deal. Somehow arresting people for being intoxicated in a bar doesn't strike me as a terribly effective way of combating drunk driving. It seems more like a way of harassing people on private property.

He Thought He Was Movin' On Up to the East Side

2006-03-22T13:24:00.000-06:00

A juvenile coyote was recently captured in Central Park. They say the beast must have just wandered in. And this isn't the first time it's happened either.

The coyote, nicknamed Hal by Parks Department staffers, may have wandered into the city from Westchester County, perhaps swimming across a river, Benepe said. Another coyote found its way to Central Park in 1999 and is now kept in the Queens Zoo.

I kinda feel sorry for the 1999 coyote, that must be some let down to wake up and find yourself in Queens when all you wanted was to rub noses with Balto.

The other thing that shocks me about this is that it took them two days to catch it. My god people, that park is only like 840 acres. Just stake a sheep on the grass and hang out for a couple of hours. It won't take long, I promise.

Where The Sidewalk Ends

2006-03-22T07:28:00.000-06:00

Has anybody else heard about this obese guy who's been walking across the country for the past year to lose weight? Apparently he's gotten a fair amount of press. The sad thing is that after having walked from San Diego to New York he's still going to be fat. He's lost over 100 pounds and is still over 300. While he could probably have a good 20 pounds of extra skin lopped off at this point it's still not going to get him anywhere close to normal. Maybe he can board the QM2 and do laps on the promenade deck all the way to Southampton or Hamburg and then just keep going. Or he could walk all the way back by a different route. After all, if he buys a one way plane ticket he'll get molested by sociopaths.

It's just so Forrest Gump.

I had run for 3 years, 2 months, 14 days, and 16 hours.
I'm pretty tired... I think I'll go home now.

I don't think he's going to come up with anything all that profound to share by walking across the country, but I'd like to think that he'll be more aware because of it. And if he doesn't get a book deal maybe Oprah will hook him up with a plastic surgeon to nip that extra skin.

Your Caracas is Showing

2006-03-19T15:10:00.000-06:00

Over 1500 naked people got together in Venezuela to have a group photo. I'm pretty sure there's a documentary out there about this artist. I'm not really sure what I think of his projects. Seems like his schtick would get a little tired after a while -- sort of like that woman who takes pictures of her mother as objects, "Mom as coffee table" and "Mom as roadkill," I don't remember her name. But then, William Wegman has been dressing up his dogs and making a killing for 30 years, why not naked crowds? When does the calendar come out?

I Bet All His Movies Have Happy Endings

2006-03-18T00:16:00.000-06:00

Have I mentioned how much I love The Times? They even do their tabloid-esq stories with style.

MYSTERY surrounds the identity of the A-list Hollywood celebrity who is said to have committed a lewd sex act in what must be one of the few above-board massage parlours in Scotland....

The masseuse was attending to the knotted muscles of his neck and head when further down the fairway, she alleges, he whipped off his modesty towel and played an extra stroke or two. His grip was good, both on himself and the masseuse's wrist, but his address to the ball was rushed and he was well above par without even holing out.

Some people just can't do anything by themselves. I'd really hate to be that helpless. And not to make light of this poor woman's unpleasant experience, but it is sort of known to be an occupational hazard in that line. I can't understand why she would have allowed him to be scheduled for multiple sessions.

I'll Have What She's Having

2006-03-17T20:58:00.000-06:00

Mr. Clean was never this hot. I'm reminded of an essay by David Sedaris where he talks about being a housekeeper in New York and one client who inadvertently called him instead of a nude cleaning service. That whole concept is strange to me. I guess some people just have to feel like they're getting maximum value for their money. That or they feel like the cleaning rationalizes the fact that they're basically hiring a stripper.

Damn, my apartment is such a mess.

Let "The Handmaid's Tale" Begin

2006-03-16T17:53:00.000-06:00

Missouri rejects funding contraception in public health clinics.

Slip, slip, slip....

Estee Lauder Braces for Sharp Sales Decline

2006-03-16T00:13:00.000-06:00

This is so sad to hear about. Tammy Faye Bakker Messner (O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler), televangelist of yesteryear, subject of one of the most entertaining documentaries ever made, and Surreal Life alumna, has lung cancer that's spread. Now, say what you will about her husband, I think she's mostly harmless and well meaning (if misguided).

If you've never watched The Eyes of Tammy Faye, get it. The guys who made it, Randy Barbato and Fenton Bailey, are responsible for some really great documentaries. I think this one is probably their best work because she was such an engaging participant. Inside Deep Throat is the closest they've come to repeating the humor of Eyes, but it lacks the shock value. In the age of penis enlargement spam and internet porn, Inside Deep Throat ends up just being a quaint movie about how people went crazy over seeing a big dick more than 30 years ago.

On This Day 2050 Years Ago...

2006-03-15T07:18:00.000-06:00

Hey, it's the Ides of March, people. I normally don't even notice. The Roman calendar was seriously fucked up. I'd rank their system as being slightly more functional than a metric clock, but only just.

Calendars are an interesting subject. "What day is it?" is such a complicated question. I guess it all depends on what day yesterday was.

Then She'll Make Him Squeel Like a Pig

2006-03-15T07:09:00.000-06:00

Overheard at the video store last night:

Mid-20s woman to her boyfriend:

"If we can cuddle for a while afterwards I'll watch Deliverance."

Talk amongst yourselves.

Worst. Casting. Ever.

2006-03-14T17:55:00.000-06:00

NOOOOOOOOOO! This is WRONG. All of it is WRONG. John Travolta as J.R. Ewing? Big Ass Lopez as Sue Ellen? No, No, No, No!

This movie is going to be about as profitable as $12 a barrel oil.

Raising the Bar

2006-03-14T06:49:00.000-06:00

A Norwegian woman thought she was in heaven when she turned on the kitchen faucet and beer came out. Sadly it was undrinkable. I get the impression that if it had been palatable she might not have complained so quickly to the bar downstairs.

Your Money Or Your Life Part II

2006-03-12T07:57:00.000-06:00

Hurry and read this article from today's New York Times before it disappears behind their asinine subscription wall. It's another story about greedy drug companies raping cancer patients and contributing to the rapid meltdown of health insurance. I also find it interesting that the pharmaceutical industry is distancing itself from the argument that exorbitant prices are needed to recoup investment in basic research. That's always been a bullshit argument since most basic research is done through universities using federal funds. Socialized risk, privatized profit.

If She Doesn't Scare You, No Evil Thing Will

2006-03-12T00:27:00.000-06:00

Paris Hilton mistook Sir Elton's Oscar party for Halloween, arrived wearing an ostentation borrowed from Miss Devoida Taste, and refused to answer the question, "Where is Tinkerbelle?" Insiders close to Nicole Ritchie say that the chihuahua has been turned into a thong, but Paris loyalist Cruella De Vil dismissed such talk, saying Paris has never worn underwear of any kind.

Burns: Some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for,
Is an outfit that looks good...

See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better,
Than authentic Irish setter.

See this hat, 'twas my cat,
My evening wear - vampire bat,
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino.

Grizzly bear underwear,
Turtles' necks, I've got my share,
Beret of poodle, on my noodle
It shall rest,

Try my red robin suit,
It comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest.

Like my loafers? Former gophers -
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo
Would be best,

So let's prepare these dogs,
Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs,
Burns: See my vest, see my vest,
Oh please, won't you see my vest

Maybe He Transcended

2006-03-12T00:26:00.000-06:00

Buddha boy goes missing

The Evolution of "Intelligent" Design

2006-03-11T15:00:00.000-06:00

Here's a terrific interview with Professor Barbara Forrest, expert witness in the Dover, PA creationism trial. She's written a book documenting the history of the movement that preaches in favor of a return to the premodern world of superstition. She has a lot to say.

More is at stake in the ID issue than science education, though that's important enough by itself. ID creationists must not be viewed in a vacuum. The insidious feature of ID is not only its attack on public education, but the fact that ID creationism is another column in the Religious Right's decades-old attack on secular, constitutional democracy.

Which brings me to a new term I ran across for these people not long ago, "Christianist." Doesn't that have a nice connotation?

Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

2006-03-10T16:54:00.000-06:00

Catholic Charities in Massachusetts will be getting out of the adoption business when their contract with the state expires in a few weeks. Despite the fact that they have placed a tad less than 2% of their adoptions over the past 20 years with gay couples, they just can't reconcile their bigotry with state law that prohibits them from discriminating against qualified gay people who wish to adopt.

I suppose you have to give them some measure of credit for trying to be consistent in their reasoning, however specious it may be. I think this is great news actually, the RCC shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children and churches shouldn't be subsidized by the state for performing social services. Far be it from me to begrudge them enough rope to hang themselves in the public square.

Not Approved By Martha Stewart

2006-03-10T08:03:00.000-06:00

I realize that some women actually enjoy being pregnant and don't really mind so much the disfigurment they go through, but who would make a body cast of her belly and then decoupage it? Maybe its real purpose is to insure that you will never be invited to a baby shower again after you send one as a gift. We'll just have to bookmark this and file it away for later.

You Just Know It's Going To End With Pills

2006-03-10T07:59:00.000-06:00

Michael, Michael, Michael, the sad tale just won't come to an end. The serfs at Neverland haven't been paid in three months and the state has shut down the ranch for lack of workers comp. insurance. They've taken the menagerie too. Perhaps this was a shrewd plan on the part of camp Jackson to unload the expensive animals. Will Neverland end up ceded to that state for a tax bill someday? I could see that. They could make it a tourist attraction like Hurst Castle. You know you'd go if you were in the area. I just hope that little Paris and Prince Michael have been taking thorough notes so they can write "Daddy Dearest" one day, lord knows they'll need the money.

Wanda Holloway en Francais

2006-03-09T13:51:00.000-06:00

Well, maybe not quite, but a man in France has been convicted of drugging his children's tennis opponents. One victim was so impaired that he drove off the road and died after a match. You may recall that about 15 years ago in Sugarland, Texas (home of Tom DeLay) there was a big scandal involving a cheerleading competition. Wanda Holloway hired her ex-brother-in-law to assassinate the mother of her daughter's chief rival and perhaps even the rival herself. The guy knew a good movie of the week script when he saw it and went to the police, wore a wire, and prepared to cash in. After a two trial circus that lasted several years, Wanda went to jail. Holly Hunter played her in the movie. Holly Hunter rocks, why doesn't she work more?

This story has movie of the week written all over it too. It's different enough because of the drug use and the father being the perp that people won't think it's just a rip off of the cheerleader story. Add a layer of class conflict and it gets even better. Parents who live vicariously through their children are nothing if not entertaining. Well, mostly they're just nothing.

Fairytopia? That's The Best They Could Do?

2006-03-09T06:58:00.000-06:00

I guess Mattel missed the memo about how if Barbie were life-sized she wouldn't be able to stand upright. Now they've gone and created a show, Barbie Live in Fairytopia, that will tour 80 cities in an effort to keep sales from going bust. Those hacks must be really desperate. Is she going to lipsynch to "I've Never Been To Me" admist all that glitter? That would make a pretty cool stop-motion animation, somebody should bust out the handycam and get busy with iMovie. A condensed Priscilla done with Barbie toys could actually be very funny.

The most interesting thing I've seen involving Barbie in a long time is The Tribe, a short film that was at Sundance this year.

Never Underestimate the Power of Design

2006-03-08T14:16:00.000-06:00

Insert snarky comments here:

It would appear that elderly Jews in California are as easily confused as those in Florida.

If the Academy didn't still use a paper ballot we could blame it on Diebold.

Even Pat Buchanan didn't expect Crash to win.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The War

2006-03-08T00:24:00.000-06:00

I confess, the only reason I watched Jarhead (just released on DVD) is to see what Jake Gyllenhaal looks like nekkid. But let it never be said that prurient interest cannot lead you to a good movie. I was surprised to discover a very smart war comedy. The word was that this movie had no action, which is not really true because there is action, just not the kind you expect in a war movie. Oh, things get blown up and guns get fired, just not the way you expect. And "action" isn't the point here. It is an introspective war movie full of irony and bitter. I particularly liked the rousing screening Apocalypse Now by the eager grunts. It's all the more delicious when you notice that the editor of Jarhead just happens to be the guy who edited Apocalypse Now. If you're going to make a war movie, you might as well get some real talent to do it. Jamie Foxx puts in a great performance too. He looks like he was really having a good time. There were also a few visual references to Lawrence of Arabia, though unlike that classic there were a few brief glimpses of women.

It's not perfect, there are a couple of contrived events that seem a tad hokey, but on the whole I was very impressed. This is a very smart war movie for our times. It'd make a great double feature with Lord of War, a Bond-ish movie about the weapons trade, or Lawrence for that matter.

Oh, and Jakey-pooh's stripper dance is performed with all the gusto of a professional gogo boy. It's a tad brief and the scene that follows made me think he was in for a Starship Troopers style ass whipping, but that doesn't happen. Although it wouldn't have surprised me given some of the other hazing depicted. The disappointing thing is he's just not that attractive in anything he's done besides Brokeback Mountain (and I've been looking). I think it comes down to wardrobe. Costumers take note, he should only be allowed to wear blue. It's the only color that makes his eyes really pull you in. Without those limpid googoo eyes, he's not nearly as hot.

Hard Candy

2006-03-08T00:22:00.000-06:00

I don't know whether this is creepy or reassuring. Maybe both. The kids involved were probably foolish to wait as long as they did to involve the police, however, one has to wonder how seriously they'd have been taken otherwise.

I couldn't help but be reminded of the trailer for an upcoming film called Hard Candy. I think I saw it when I went to see Transamerica. The trailer is incredibly creepy (and very stylish, if I were into thrillers I might see it) and leaves you with the impression that the predator may be the prey. Well, a quick search for spoilers reveals that hunch to be gruesomely correct. Then there was that Kevin Bacon movie last year, The Woodsman. It got fantastic reviews but I'm just not interested in watching it either. What is it pedophile movies lately?

You're Lookin' Swell Dolly

2006-03-08T00:06:00.000-06:00

OMG, y'all! ~~I never thought I'd be here since I'm just a girl from Tennessee, but~~ I am so excited to have scored a runner up spot at The Gilded Moose "Prove Your Wit" celebrity photo caption contest. There's no prize or anything, so I guess I'm not that excited. But it's still pretty neat.

For those of you who don't remember your Steel Magnolias dialogue, my entry was one of Dolly's lines (she played a hair dresser who was fond of Aquanet). It always struck me as being the reason for casting her in that movie.

In Which Dolly Parton Gets The Shaft

2006-03-05T23:07:00.000-06:00

I just got in from an Oscar viewing party (where I won a contest for predicting winners) and I'm just outraged over Dolly Parton's loss to those men with tattoos on their necks for Best Original Song. What the hell was that about? She's Dolly Fucking Parton! The last time she lost was in 1981, 9 to 5 was beat out by Arthur's Theme. I think it's fair to say that she's been ROBBED twice.

The other outrage of the night was Brokeback Mountain losing to Crash for Best Picture. Crash is the apotheosis of white guilt of the limousine liberal variety. It's well made, but it just isn't compelling and nobody will remember it in six weeks. That said, we must remember that most of the 6000 people who are in the Academy are old and didn't even bother to see BBM. And when you consider that about 200 celebrities were in Crash it's easy to see how this could happen.

I expected BBM to get shafted, but not Dolly! Is there no justice?

Wascally Wabbits

2006-03-03T13:46:00.000-06:00

As if the never ending parade of Brokeback Mountain mash-ups was not enough, now we have the whole thing distilled to 30 seconds and performed by animated rabbits. Will it never end?

Almost Naked Boys Not Really Singing

2006-03-02T23:06:00.000-06:00

OMG, ask and you shall receive. There are more videos from those A&M bois.

Moulin Rouge
Monster Mash
Wonderful World
Till I Collapse
Thug Love

I think they should do their own video remake of The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. They can all play Guy Pearce's character.

I have to say that my whole opinion of A&M is up for reassessment.

Aggies Gone Wild

2006-03-02T16:17:00.000-06:00

One of A&M's star basketball players has made a music video of sorts. Chris Walker can be seen all over the internet lip synching to 80s hit, Total Eclipse of the Heart. He's even got two friends in his dorm room to perform back up. Did I mention that they're wearing nothing but shorts? Oh, yes. It's not really beefcake so much as cheese cake.

Can you imagine the humiliation these three are going to endure for the rest of their days in College Station? They deserve it for doing something so stupid on cam. It also begs the question, what other videos may be out there? Enquiring dirty minds want to know. Oh, to be young and stupid (and cute).

Make That 2,720,001

2006-03-01T17:41:00.000-06:00

Seeing this discussion of edible deities made me wonder about the variety and availability of such things. Could there be a candy Priapus out there? What about just the important part? These are important questions if you think you might want to send somebody a pornographic idol made of candy.

If you google "chocolate penis" you will get 2,720,000 hits. There is a wide variety and it's not just male genitalia that come in candy form. And they're not all chocolate either. Feeling peckish? How about a peppermint pussy? It just goes down hill from there. A Californian company called Chocolate Fantasies makes just about any x-rated kind of candy you could want. Some of them are funny and some of them outrageous. It appears that they even do custom work although I don't dare begin to imagine what that might entail.

I wonder if they could do a chocolate slug?

Address For Success

2006-03-01T12:16:00.000-06:00

The BBC has a fun little article about bizarre street names in the US. Some contest selected Psycho Path as the best and Divorce Court as a runner up. However, if you read the comments you'll see far more amusing options. I think my favorite would be Exit 69 in Troy, Michigan, Big Beaver Road. If my understanding of Detroit suburbs is correct this would be the equivalent of such an intersection near River Oaks or Highland Park for those of us from Texas.

There is much danger in developers running out of street names -- or worse yet, getting really creative and trying to have a sense of humor about them. I've long said that a stupid or unspellable street name would be an automatic disqualifier for a house. In north Dallas there's a fairly nice area where all the streets were named for characters in Disney movies back in the 60s. One subdivision near my mother's house features a Maid Marion Lane and a Friar Tuck Court. I wouldn't even get out of the car if a realtor pulled up in front of a house on Friar Tuck Court. It's a really nice neighborhood too. On the other hand sometimes place names can be a so bland that they're funny. Trinity Meadows is another one near my mom's house that sounds more like a cemetery than a subdivision. Nice houses there too.

I've always had lovely, generic addresses like Commonwealth Circle, Country Club Drive, Grand Avenue, or 39th Street. You never have to spell Country Club Drive for anybody, and they always think you have money despite the fact that every hamlet in America large enough to sustain a 9 hole municipal golf course has a street with that name. You also can't beat the way it looks an a fancy invitation. It's the only thing I will ever miss about that house.

Are there any odd street names near you?

If Micro$oft made the iPod

2006-02-28T21:31:00.000-06:00

It's not mean if it's true.

Today's secret word is "elegant."

She Whacked It With Her Alligator Handbag

2006-02-28T07:48:00.000-06:00

Apparently not having a baby handy to dangle as a distraction (well, that's what the guy on TV uses), an Australian granny leapt on the back of a crocodile that was attacking her friend. She has been honored for her actions. Can a Lifetime Movie of the Week staring Rue McClanahan be far off? All they'd need to do is change the setting to a Louisiana swamp right after a hurricane.

[Note to self: under no circumstances go camping in Australia. They still have plenty of animals that will eat you. If you must go camping in Australia be sure to have a crazy man dangling a baby, Paul Hogan, or an old lady nearby to fend off fierce creatures. And no, Dame Edna is not an old lady.]

Another Job for Obvious Man

2006-02-28T07:07:00.000-06:00

This is so stupid. Since it's that much of a danger, ban the product wholesale. Don't hide behind nanny's apron, all Helen Lovejoy, and wail, "won't somebody please think of the children!" A private car is like a private house. If smoking in the car is harmful to children (which I agree it is) then why not take the children of smokers into protective custody. Surely they are unfit parents who are actively abusing their offspring. An essentially unenforceable law like this only makes a mockery of itself.

Hardened Criminal: "What are you in for?"

New Inmate: "Smoking within 300 feet of a minor. You?"

Hardened Criminal: "Took a pair of knitting needles through airport security."

New Inmate: [shudders] "Look, I don't want any trouble."

Hardened Criminal: "You want a poncho? I could knit you one just like Martha Stewart had when she was in prison. Really, no kidding. I'm gonna knit you a poncho."

Imitation of Life

2006-02-27T15:40:00.000-06:00

File under "DNA is so cool." You have to wonder what kind of reaction there was in the delivery room when they pulled different colored twins out. Not exactly something you'd expect. These girls are going to have an interesting time as they grow older.

A Spoon Full of Sugar It's Not

2006-02-27T11:28:00.000-06:00

A distiller in Scotland plans to produce a "weapons grade" whiskey not seen in 300 years. The best part:

The US Secret Service admitted in 2003 that it had been monitoring the distillery because the difference between distilling a fine whisky and making chemical weapons was "just a small tweak."

I guess there's not much to do on those islands besides card wool and get drunk. Still, I don't quite understand the appeal of something that seems likely to knock your socks off with record efficiency. What's to enjoy?

Ron Howard to Andy Griffith: You're Next

2006-02-26T13:47:00.000-06:00

It appears that Don Knotts died night before last. What a sad loss for our collective televisual experience. He was only 81, which I suppose seems quite young since he was one of those people who was old forever. Barney Fife never seemed like much of a spring chicken to me, and Mr. Furley (a personal favorite in after school syndication) was nothing if not an old man. His period on Three's Company was so much more entertaining than the Ropers. But it's really Barney Fife that everyone will think of first, just like Lucille Ball could never really be anybody but Lucy Ricardo.

Tom Bosley and Marion Ross had better watch out.

I've Got the Conch!

2006-02-26T12:57:00.000-06:00

There are so many startling things about this story. Two Indian fisherman were murdered by primitive savages inhabiting an island where they have never come in contact with the modern world. The Indian Coast Guard have proven themselves to be a bunch of pussies, being unable to retrieve the bodies after their helicopter was fired upon with arrows. Um, note to Indian Coast Guard, when somebody fires at your helicopter the proper response is to shoot them.

Can you imagine how inbred these few dozen people must be after 60,000 years of isolation? How many dissertations could enterprising graduate students squeeze out of them? It could run the gamut from genetics to linguistics to religion. Quickly, someone write a grant proposal!

I have to say that I'm on the side of bringing primitives into the modern world. It just seems like the right thing to do. However, I do see the case for leaving them alone. And while murdering the fisherman was a reprehensible thing to do, the islanders do have a sort of "no trespassing" policy that's more or less codified by the restricted zone set up by the outside government. The fisherman were trespassing (though perhaps unaware due to intoxication) and there are many civilized people who wouldn't have the least trouble with the notion of shooting a trespasser. Maybe the islanders were just misguidedly enforcing their property rights.

Sharpen a Stick at Both Ends.

We Got a Hot Crustacean Band

2006-02-23T13:00:00.000-06:00

Under the sea... nanana na nana na na.... Nemo didn't have any fun songs. Pixar needs to do a musical and get the guy from Avenue Q to do the lyrics. But what I really want to post about...

The WWF (the wildlife folks not the wrestlers) have discovered a coral reef in Thailand. It's only about a square mile but we probably need all the new reefs we can get. To be fair it wasn't really undiscovered, the locals knew about it; it was just uncharted and thus unknown to rich tourists with SCUBA certification. And after all, if a white person doesn't know about something, it doesn't exist. No? Maybe it's kind of like the tree falling in the forest.

Hey, maybe the WWF wildlife people could cross promote with the WWF wrestling people. Wouldn't that be a spectacular PSA?

At Least It Wasn't Donna Summer

2006-02-22T12:12:00.000-06:00

I was directed to this nifty chart by our friend at Octopodial Chrome. What was the number one pop song the day I was born? "Night Fever" by the Bee Gees. Don't laugh. I checked my brother's birthday and it was "Eye of the Tiger." Travolta trumps Stallone, I win.

Maybe this explains why I've long thought it would be fun to have the Saturday Night Fever disco floor in a kitchen. Imagine stumbling into your kitchen late at night, ice cream spoon at the ready, flipping a switch and hustling to the freezer. It would be so cool to have a lighted disco floor in the kitchen. It would be, it really would be.

Maybe It Zaps Free Radicals

2006-02-22T00:13:00.000-06:00

Just wondering. Elsie the bovine burger beast may well come to you after a carbon monoxide treatment to preserve that healthy red hue under the plastic wrap.

The FDA is so utterly useless. What's the EU's corresponding regulatory body? I'm too lazy to look right now. It'd be nice to have for future reference in case I ever have a question about food or medications. The EU is so Obe Wan Kenobe to our Princess Leia hologram. It's not just food, it's anti-trust, the environment, etc.

The idea of buying red meat at the grocery store is still so strange to me. I almost never do it myself and growing up we always had a freezer full of specially raised and butchered beef. Having a grandfather with a hobby herd was useful. And while dining out I can still pretend to be blissfully ignorant.

I feel like chicken tonight.

Doctors Don't Kill People (On Purpose)

2006-02-22T00:04:00.000-06:00

It seems so obvious that doctors shouldn't be involved in executions, but it appears that only recently has this dawned on the capital punishment ghouls in California. State sanctioned murder is still murder and the fact that it's committed in the name of the state, ergo the citizens, makes it that much worse. I doubt most Texans think of themselves as murderers but that's what the state makes us every few weeks. Californians get that distinction much less frequently and it amazes me that they still kill people who've been kept in cages for decades.

The crime for which this particular inmate was convicted was certainly horrible. Asking a doctor to kill him is worse, despite what some people may think.

But the mother of Terri Witchell, Morales' victim, said she was "totally disillusioned" at the turn of events.

"We've been waiting 25 years with the expectancy that he is gonna pay for his crimes," said Barbara Christian.

Life without parole is a death sentence, the only problem for bloodthirsty folks like Mrs. Christian (tragically easy) is that they don't get the satisfaction of a perverse spectacle at a predetermined date and time.

If you're interested in executions I would highly recommend seeing Capote and then reading the corresponding chapters at the end of In Cold Blood, a title that could refer to the convicted, the author, or the people of Kansas. Both are quite vivid.

Taxi

2006-02-21T21:32:00.000-06:00

I've been reading New York Hack lately. It's a saucey little slice of life blog written by a young lady who drives a yellow cab in New York City. There's humor, melancholy, dry irony, outrage, and delight. The style is not as distinctive as Waiter or El Guapo, but she's got the ability and the subject matter to really keep you interested. Give her a quick read and remember that taxi drivers have interesting brains.

Martha is like, so totally 1997

2006-02-20T16:42:00.000-06:00

Check out the claws on The Donald. Doesn't he know she could have him taken out? He had better watch his back if he doesn't want his hair piece to end up dusting her furniture.

Giving Vice Squad a Whole New Meaning

2006-02-17T17:29:00.000-06:00

Detectives in Spotsylvania County (how funny is that) Virginia have been caught with their pants down. The sheriff has just reversed his policy of allowing his officers to pay for and receive services of sexual nature as part of their investigations. Apparently word leaked out and citizens felt like they were being stiffed.

It's a Hell of a Town

2006-02-17T12:06:00.000-06:00

The city of New York is going to put its own distinctive brand on the free condoms it distributes via the health department. Whatever shall they be called and what should the tagline be? Please put your nominations in the comments, here's my first thought.

If you can make it here you can make it anywhere.

I bet they stand a good chance of becoming a highly sought after tourist item. I think Amsterdam does this. And hey, old New York was once New Amsterdam.